An abnormal person is anyone who behaves differently from you.
Isn't it funny how everyone in favor of abortion has already been born? —Patrick Murray
No man knows what absentmindedness really is until he finds himself dialing his own telephone number.
You never know how absurd your own opinion is until you hear somebody else quoting it.
There is no opinion so absurd but that some philosopher will express it. —Cicero
What is better than presence of mind in a railway accident? Absence of body.
If most auto accidents happen within five miles of home, why don't we move ten miles away? —Michael Davis
There would be far fewer accidents if we could only teach telephone poles to be more careful.
Most accidents happen at home—maybe we ought to move.
Accordion: an instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin. —Ambrose Bierce
Old accountants never die; they just lose their balance.
The most important thing in acting is honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made. —George Burns
A man can do more than he thinks he can, but he usually does less than he thinks he does.
The finest eloquence is that which gets things done. —David Lloyd George
Footprints on the sands of time are not made by sitting down.
As I grow older, I pay less attention to what men say. I just watch what they do. —Andrew Carnegie
Actions speak louder than words—but not so often.
Actions speak louder than words, and they tell fewer lies.
Activity is contagious. —Ralph Waldo Emerson
Never turn your back on an actor; remember, it was an actor who shot Lincoln.
An actor is a man with an infinite capacity for taking praise.
I deny I ever said that actors are cattle. What I said was, "Actors should be treated like cattle." —Alfred Hitchcock
You can pick out the actors by the glazed look that comes into their eyes when the conversation wanders away from themselves. —Michael Wilding
The girl who has half a mind to become an actress doesn't realize that's all it requires.
Adam was the only man who, when he said a good thing, knew that nobody had said it before him. —Mark Twain
Adam's rib: the original bone of contention. —Oliver Herford and John Clay
God's way of making separation with children easier was to invent adolescence. —Mark Patinkin
An adolescent is a teenager who acts like a baby when you don't treat him like an adult.
The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane. —Mark Twain
By trying, we can easily learn to reduce adversity— another man's, I mean. —Mark Twain
Adversity introduces a man to himself.
Adversity makes men wise but not rich. —John Ray
The codfish lays ten thousand eggs,
The homely hen lays one.
The codfish never cackles
To tell you what she's done.
And so we scorn the codfish,
While the humble hen we prize,
Which only goes to show you
That it pays to advertise.
Among the many remedies that won't cure a cold, the most common is advice.
The easiest way to escape being hated is to mind your own business and refrain from giving good advice. —W. Burton Baldry
We hate to have some people give us advice because we know how badly they need it themselves.
We always admire the intelligence of those who ask us for advice.
The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about.
Advice is seldom welcome, and those who need it the most like it the least. —Lord Chesterfield
If at first you don't succeed, you'll find everyone giving you advice.
Healthy people have one thing in common: They always give advice to the sick.
When a man seeks your advice, he generally wants your praise. —Lord Chesterfield
When a man comes to me for advice, I find out the kind of advice he wants, and I give it to him. —Josh Billings
How is it possible to expect mankind to take advice when they will not so much as take warning? —Jonathan Swift
Advice is like castor oil, easy enough to give but dreadful uneasy to take. —Josh Billings
If you want people to notice your faults, start giving advice. —Kelly Stephens
Never trust the advice of a man in difficulties. —Aesop
If you want to get rid of somebody, just tell 'em something for their own good. —Frank McKinney Hubbard
Like Aesop's fox, when he had lost his tail, he would have all his fellow foxes cut off theirs. —Robert Burton
If afflictions refine some, they consume others. —John Ray
An after-dinner speech should be like a lady's dress: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to be interesting.
I think age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Age is so deceiving. It is amazing how much faster sixty comes after fifty compared to fifty after forty!
When you're over the hill, you pick up speed.
Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. —Satchel Paige
I've reached that age when a good day is one when you get up and nothing hurts. —H. Martin
The years that a woman subtracts from her age are not lost. They are added to the ages of other women. —Diane de Poitiers
I refuse to admit that I am more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate. —Nancy Astor
Age is like love—it cannot be hid. —Thomas Dekker
Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough. —Groucho Marx
The only good thing about [aging] is you're not dead. —Lillian Hellman
The reason mature men look younger than mature women is that a woman of forty is usually fifty.
An agnostic is an irreligious person who stays away from church religiously.
Ah, don't say that you agree with me. When people agree with me, I always feel that I must be wrong. —Oscar Wilde
We are so fond of each other because our ailments are the same. —Jonathan Swift
An alarm clock goes off by going on.
An alarm clock is built with a mechanism to scare the daylights into you.
Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra. —Fran Lebowitz
One of the first things a child learns at school is that some other child is getting a bigger allowance.
In Genesis it says that it is not good for a man to be alone, but sometimes it is a great relief. —John Barrymore
America is where a young man can start at the bottom and work his way into a hole. —Wall Street Journal
An American is a man who is proud of his right to say what he pleases and often wishes he had the courage to do so.
[An Englishman is] a person who does things because they have been done before. [An American is] a person who does things because they haven't been done before. —Mark Twain
Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it. —Henny Youngman
My analyst doesn't understand me. —Mel Calman
We pay for the mistakes of our ancestors, and it seems only fair that they should leave us the money to pay with. —Don Marquis
Man was created a little lower than the angels and has been getting a little lower ever since. —Josh Billings
Anger makes dull men witty, but it keeps them poor. —Francis Bacon
Anger begins with madness and ends in regret.
When a man is wrong and won't admit it, he always gets angry. —Thomas Haliburton
The best way to know a man is to watch him when he is angry.—Hebrew proverb
When angry, take a lesson from modern science: Always count down before blasting off.
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. —Phyllis Diller
A man's as big as the things that make him mad.
Animals have these advantages over man: They have no theologians to instruct them, their funerals cost them nothing, and no one starts lawsuits over their wills. —Voltaire
Animals are such agreeable friends—they ask no questions, they pass no criticisms. —George Elliot
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. —Fred Allen
You do not swear at your serious troubles. One only swears at trifling annoyances. —G. F. Turner
Don't get annoyed if your neighbor plays his stereo at two o'clock in the morning. Call him at four, and tell him how much you enjoyed it.
His indecision is final.
Some husbands assert their independence by refusing to wear an apron while doing the dishes.
Nothing is so fatal to religion as indifference, which is, at least, half infidelity. —Edmund Burke
I don't care about that; it rolls off my back like a
The graveyards are full of indispensable men. —Charles de Gaulle
If you feel that you are indispensable, put your finger in a glass of water, withdraw it, and note the hole you have left.
Invest in inflation. It's the only thing going up. —Will Rogers
Inflation has created a new economic problem: windfall poverty.
A little inflation is like a little pregnancy—it keeps on growing. —Leon Henderson
Never say you know another entirely until you have divided an inheritance with him. —Johann Kaspar Lavater
In things pertaining to enthusiasm, no man is sane who does not know how to be insane on proper occasions. —Henry Ward Beecher
Insanity is hereditary—you get it from your
When the insects take over the world, we hope they will remember with gratitude how we took them along on all our picnics. —Bill Vaughan
Prosperity is the surest breeder of insolence I know. —Mark Twain
Insomnia: a contagious disease transmitted from babies to parents.
His insomnia was so bad he couldn't sleep even during office hours. —Arthur Baer
He is useless on top of the ground; he ought to be under it, inspiring the cabbages. —Mark Twain
When a man is young, he is so wild he is insufferable. When he is old, he plays the saint and becomes insufferable again. —Nikolai Gogol
An intelligence test sometimes shows a man how smart he would have been not to have taken it. —Laurence J. Peter
Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us. —Bill Watterson
The hardest task in a girl's life is to prove to a man that his intentions are serious. —Helen Rowland
Intuition: that strange instinct that tells a woman she is right, whether she is or not.
When your IQ rises to 28, sell. —Professor Irwin Corey
IRONS IN THE FIRE
The man who has too many irons in the fire usually gets his fingers burned.
There is nobody so irritating as somebody with less intelligence and more sense than we have. —Don Herold
The three Rs of the Internal Revenue Service: This is ours; that is ours; everything is ours.
Whoever said you can't take it with you must have been an IRS agent.
For that tired, run-down feeling, try jaywalking.
Love may be blind, but jealousy sees too much.
Jewelry takes people's minds off your wrinkles. —Sonja Henie
They call him "Jigsaw" because every time he's faced with a problem, he goes to pieces.
It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression when you lose yours. —Harry S. Truman
The feeling that you've done a job well is rewarding; the feeling that you've done it perfectly is fatal.
The ugliest of trades have their moments of enjoyment. If I were a gravedigger, or even a hangman, there are some people I could work for with a good deal of enjoyment. —Douglas Jerrold
For every ten jokes, thou has got an hundred enemies. —Laurence Sterne
Literature is the art of writing something that will be read twice; journalism what will be read once. —Cyril Connolly
Journalists say a thing that they know isn't true in the hope that if they keep on saying it long enough it will be true. —Arnold Bennett
Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with. —Mark Twain
Still as of old, men by themselves are priced— For thirty pieces Judas sold himself, not Christ. —Hester H. Cholmodeley
The man who is forever criticizing his wife's judgment never seems to question her choice of a husband.
The Japanese have a word for it. It's judo—the art of conquering by yielding. The Western equivalent of judo is "Yes, dear." —J. P. McEvoy
JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS
I am no athlete, but at one sport I used to be an expert. It was a dangerous game called 'jumping to conclusions." —Eddie Cantor
When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. —Norm Crosby
The jury system puts a ban upon intelligence and honesty and a premium upon ignorance, stupidity, and perjury. —Mark Twain
We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world; and its efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don't know anything and can't read. —Mark Twain
KEEPING UP WITH THE JONESES
Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level—it's cheaper. —Quentin Crisp
About the time you catch up with the Joneses, they start to refinance.
The little girl of today starts school with a larger wardrobe than her grandmother had when she got married.
WASHINGTON, D. C.
Washington is the place where nobody believes in rumor until it has been officially denied.
I love to go to Washington—if only to be near my money. —Bob Hope
It is true that wealth won't make a man virtuous, but I notice there ain't anybody who wants to be poor just for the purpose of being good. —Josh Billings
Anyone can become wealthy in America by inventing something useful that doesn't last long—like most home appliances.
A well-adjusted person is one who can play golf and bridge as if they were games.
When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder. —James H. Boren
The wicked flee when no man pursueth, but they flee even faster when someone is after them.
Where there's a will there are relatives.
Wine hath drowned more men than the sea. —Thomas Fuller
It's easy to spot winners—they're the ones not complaining about the rules.
The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom. —H. L. Mencken
Not all things have to be scrutinized nor all friends tested nor all enemies exposed and denounced.
Nine-tenths of wisdom is being wise in time. —Theodore Roosevelt
A wise man sees as much as he ought, not as much as he can. —Michel de Montaigne
A wise man's question contains half the answer.
Fools live to regret their words, wise men to regret their silences. —Will Henry
Wit has truth in it; wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words. —Dorothy Parker
Wishes won't do dishes.
If wishes were horses, beggars might ride. —John Ray
Impropriety is the soul of wit. —W. Somerset Maugham
Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions. No dignity, no learning, no force of character can make any stand against good wit. —Ralph Waldo Emerson
Wit is the salt of conversation, not the food. —William Hazlitt
She would have made a splendid wife, for crying only made her eyes more bright and tender. —O. Henry
Any man who can't stand his wife lecturing to him might find it a little easier to take sitting down. —Irvin S. Cobb
Every man needs a wife because he can't blame everything on the government.
Many a father spends part of his time keeping the wolf from his door and the rest of the time keeping the wolf from his daughter.
It is useless for the sheep to pass resolutions in favor of vegetarianism while the wolf remains of a different opinion. —William Ralph Inge
What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing more than man's transparency. —George Jean Nathan
Woman begins by resisting a man's advances and ends by blocking his retreat. —Oscar Wilde
Not ten yoke of oxen have the power to draw us like a woman's hair! —Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
On one issue at least, men and women agree: They both distrust women. —H. L. Mencken
I hate women because they always know where things are. —James Thurber
When a man boasts that he understands women, you can be sure that some woman has been flattering him.
Women don't dress to please men; if they did, they would dress a lot faster.
After equality, wage parity, liberation of body and soul, and the extension for the ratification of the ERA, women still can't do the following:
Even the woodpecker owes his success to the fact that he uses his head and keeps pecking away until he finishes the job he starts. —Coleman Cox
Keep your words soft and sweet—you never know when you might have to eat them.
He can compress the most words into the smallest ideas of any man I ever met. —Abraham Lincoln
Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them. —Adlai Stevenson
As long as words are in your mouth, you are their lord; once you utter them, you are their slave. —Solomon Ibn Gabirol
The bitterest words are those we are forced to eat.
The longest word in the English language is the one following the phrase "And now a word from our sponsor."
—Phillips' Treasury of Humorous Quotations