ABNORMAL

An abnormal person is anyone who behaves differently from you.

ABORTION

Isn't it funny how everyone in favor of abortion has already been born? —Patrick Murray

ABSENTMINDEDNESS

No man knows what absentmindedness really is until he finds himself dialing his own telephone number.

ABSURDITY

You never know how absurd your own opinion is until you hear somebody else quoting it.

There is no opinion so absurd but that some philosopher will express it. —Cicero

ACCIDENTS

What is better than presence of mind in a railway accident? Absence of body.

If most auto accidents happen within five miles of home, why don't we move ten miles away? —Michael Davis

There would be far fewer accidents if we could only teach telephone poles to be more careful.

Most accidents happen at home—maybe we ought to move.

ACCORDIONS

Accordion: an instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin. —Ambrose Bierce

ACCOUNTANTS

Old accountants never die; they just lose their balance.

ACTING

The most important thing in acting is honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made. —George Burns

ACTION

A man can do more than he thinks he can, but he usually does less than he thinks he does.

The finest eloquence is that which gets things done. —David Lloyd George

Footprints on the sands of time are not made by sitting down.

As I grow older, I pay less attention to what men say. I just watch what they do. —Andrew Carnegie

ACTIONS

Actions speak louder than words—but not so often.

Actions speak louder than words, and they tell fewer lies.

ACTIVITY

Activity is contagious. —Ralph Waldo Emerson

ACTORS

Never turn your back on an actor; remember, it was an actor who shot Lincoln.

An actor is a man with an infinite capacity for taking praise.

I deny I ever said that actors are cattle. What I said was, "Actors should be treated like cattle." —Alfred Hitchcock

You can pick out the actors by the glazed look that comes into their eyes when the conversation wanders away from themselves. —Michael Wilding

ACTRESSES

The girl who has half a mind to become an actress doesn't realize that's all it requires.

ADAM

Adam was the only man who, when he said a good thing, knew that nobody had said it before him. —Mark Twain

ADAM'S RIB

Adam's rib: the original bone of contention. —Oliver Herford and John Clay

ADOLESCENCE

God's way of making separation with children easier was to invent adolescence. —Mark Patinkin

An adolescent is a teenager who acts like a baby when you don't treat him like an adult.

ADVERSARIES

The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane. —Mark Twain

ADVERSITY

By trying, we can easily learn to reduce adversity— another man's, I mean. —Mark Twain

Adversity introduces a man to himself.

Adversity makes men wise but not rich. —John Ray

ADVERTISING

The codfish lays ten thousand eggs,

The homely hen lays one.

The codfish never cackles

To tell you what she's done.

And so we scorn the codfish,

While the humble hen we prize,

Which only goes to show you

That it pays to advertise.

ADVICE

Among the many remedies that won't cure a cold, the most common is advice.

The easiest way to escape being hated is to mind your own business and refrain from giving good advice. —W. Burton Baldry

We hate to have some people give us advice because we know how badly they need it themselves.

We always admire the intelligence of those who ask us for advice.

The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about.

Advice is seldom welcome, and those who need it the most like it the least. —Lord Chesterfield

If at first you don't succeed, you'll find everyone giving you advice.

Healthy people have one thing in common: They always give advice to the sick.

When a man seeks your advice, he generally wants your praise. —Lord Chesterfield

When a man comes to me for advice, I find out the kind of advice he wants, and I give it to him. —Josh Billings

How is it possible to expect mankind to take advice when they will not so much as take warning? —Jonathan Swift

Advice is like castor oil, easy enough to give but dreadful uneasy to take. —Josh Billings

If you want people to notice your faults, start giving advice. —Kelly Stephens

Never trust the advice of a man in difficulties. —Aesop

If you want to get rid of somebody, just tell 'em something for their own good. —Frank McKinney Hubbard

AESOP'S FOX

Like Aesop's fox, when he had lost his tail, he would have all his fellow foxes cut off theirs. —Robert Burton

AFFLICTIONS

If afflictions refine some, they consume others. —John Ray

AFTER-DINNER SPEECHES

An after-dinner speech should be like a lady's dress: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to be interesting.

AGE

I think age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Age is so deceiving. It is amazing how much faster sixty comes after fifty compared to fifty after forty!

When you're over the hill, you pick up speed.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. —Satchel Paige

I've reached that age when a good day is one when you get up and nothing hurts. —H. Martin

The years that a woman subtracts from her age are not lost. They are added to the ages of other women. —Diane de Poitiers

I refuse to admit that I am more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate. —Nancy Astor

Age is like love—it cannot be hid. —Thomas Dekker

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough. —Groucho Marx

AGING

The only good thing about [aging] is you're not dead. —Lillian Hellman

The reason mature men look younger than mature women is that a woman of forty is usually fifty.

AGNOSTICS

An agnostic is an irreligious person who stays away from church religiously.

AGREEMENT

Ah, don't say that you agree with me. When people agree with me, I always feel that I must be wrong. —Oscar Wilde

AILMENTS

We are so fond of each other because our ailments are the same. —Jonathan Swift

ALARM CLOCKS

An alarm clock goes off by going on.

An alarm clock is built with a mechanism to scare the daylights into you.

ALGEBRA

Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra. —Fran Lebowitz

ALLOWANCES

One of the first things a child learns at school is that some other child is getting a bigger allowance.

ALONE

In Genesis it says that it is not good for a man to be alone, but sometimes it is a great relief. —John Barrymore

AMERICA

America is where a young man can start at the bottom and work his way into a hole. —Wall Street Journal

AMERICANS

An American is a man who is proud of his right to say what he pleases and often wishes he had the courage to do so.

[An Englishman is] a person who does things because they have been done before. [An American is] a person who does things because they haven't been done before. —Mark Twain

Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it. —Henny Youngman

ANALYSTS

My analyst doesn't understand me. —Mel Calman

ANCESTORS

We pay for the mistakes of our ancestors, and it seems only fair that they should leave us the money to pay with. —Don Marquis

ANGELS

Man was created a little lower than the angels and has been getting a little lower ever since. —Josh Billings

ANGER

Anger makes dull men witty, but it keeps them poor. —Francis Bacon

Anger begins with madness and ends in regret.

When a man is wrong and won't admit it, he always gets angry. —Thomas Haliburton

The best way to know a man is to watch him when he is angry.—Hebrew proverb

When angry, take a lesson from modern science: Always count down before blasting off.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. —Phyllis Diller

A man's as big as the things that make him mad.

ANIMALS

Animals have these advantages over man: They have no theologians to instruct them, their funerals cost them nothing, and no one starts lawsuits over their wills. —Voltaire

Animals are such agreeable friends—they ask no questions, they pass no criticisms. —George Elliot

ANNOYANCES

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. —Fred Allen

You do not swear at your serious troubles. One only swears at trifling annoyances. —G. F. Turner

Don't get annoyed if your neighbor plays his stereo at two o'clock in the morning. Call him at four, and tell him how much you enjoyed it.

INDECISION

His indecision is final.

INDEPENDENCE

Some husbands assert their independence by refusing to wear an apron while doing the dishes.

INDIFFERENCE

Nothing is so fatal to religion as indifference, which is, at least, half infidelity. —Edmund Burke

I don't care about that; it rolls off my back like a

duck.

Samuel Goldwyn

INDISPENSABLE

The graveyards are full of indispensable men. —Charles de Gaulle

If you feel that you are indispensable, put your finger in a glass of water, withdraw it, and note the hole you have left.

INFLATION

Invest in inflation. It's the only thing going up. —Will Rogers

Inflation has created a new economic problem: windfall poverty.

A little inflation is like a little pregnancy—it keeps on growing. —Leon Henderson

INHERITANCE

Never say you know another entirely until you have divided an inheritance with him. —Johann Kaspar Lavater

INSANITY

In things pertaining to enthusiasm, no man is sane who does not know how to be insane on proper occasions. —Henry Ward Beecher

Insanity is hereditary—you get it from your

children.

Sam Levenson

INSECTS

When the insects take over the world, we hope they will remember with gratitude how we took them along on all our picnics. —Bill Vaughan

INSOLENCE

Prosperity is the surest breeder of insolence I know. —Mark Twain

INSOMNIA

Insomnia: a contagious disease transmitted from babies to parents.

His insomnia was so bad he couldn't sleep even during office hours. —Arthur Baer

INSPIRING

He is useless on top of the ground; he ought to be under it, inspiring the cabbages. —Mark Twain

INSUFFERABLE

When a man is young, he is so wild he is insufferable. When he is old, he plays the saint and becomes insufferable again. —Nikolai Gogol

INTELLIGENCE

An intelligence test sometimes shows a man how smart he would have been not to have taken it. —Laurence J. Peter

INTELLIGENT LIFE

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us. —Bill Watterson

INTENTIONS

The hardest task in a girl's life is to prove to a man that his intentions are serious. —Helen Rowland

INTUITION

Intuition: that strange instinct that tells a woman she is right, whether she is or not.

IQ

When your IQ rises to 28, sell. —Professor Irwin Corey

IRONS IN THE FIRE

The man who has too many irons in the fire usually gets his fingers burned.

IRRITATING

There is nobody so irritating as somebody with less intelligence and more sense than we have. —Don Herold

IRS

The three Rs of the Internal Revenue Service: This is ours; that is ours; everything is ours.

Whoever said you can't take it with you must have been an IRS agent.

JAYWALKING

For that tired, run-down feeling, try jaywalking.

JEALOUSY

Love may be blind, but jealousy sees too much.

JEWELRY

Jewelry takes people's minds off your wrinkles. —Sonja Henie

JIGSAW

They call him "Jigsaw" because every time he's faced with a problem, he goes to pieces.

JOBS

It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression when you lose yours. —Harry S. Truman

The feeling that you've done a job well is rewarding; the feeling that you've done it perfectly is fatal.

The ugliest of trades have their moments of enjoyment. If I were a gravedigger, or even a hangman, there are some people I could work for with a good deal of enjoyment. —Douglas Jerrold

JOKES

For every ten jokes, thou has got an hundred enemies. —Laurence Sterne

JOURNALISM

Literature is the art of writing something that will be read twice; journalism what will be read once. —Cyril Connolly

JOURNALISTS

Journalists say a thing that they know isn't true in the hope that if they keep on saying it long enough it will be true. —Arnold Bennett

JOY

Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with. —Mark Twain

JUDAS

Still as of old, men by themselves are pricedFor thirty pieces Judas sold himself, not Christ. Hester H. Cholmodeley

JUDGMENT

The man who is forever criticizing his wife's judgment never seems to question her choice of a husband.

JUDO

The Japanese have a word for it. It's judo—the art of conquering by yielding. The Western equivalent of judo is "Yes, dear." —J. P. McEvoy

JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS

I am no athlete, but at one sport I used to be an expert. It was a dangerous game called 'jumping to conclusions." —Eddie Cantor

JURY DUTY

When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. —Norm Crosby

The jury system puts a ban upon intelligence and honesty and a premium upon ignorance, stupidity, and perjury. —Mark Twain

We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world; and its efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don't know anything and can't read. —Mark Twain

KEEPING UP WITH THE JONESES

Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level—it's cheaper. —Quentin Crisp

About the time you catch up with the Joneses, they start to refinance.

WARDROBE

The little girl of today starts school with a larger wardrobe than her grandmother had when she got married.

WASHINGTON, D. C.

Washington is the place where nobody believes in rumor until it has been officially denied.

I love to go to Washington—if only to be near my money. —Bob Hope

WEALTH

It is true that wealth won't make a man virtuous, but I notice there ain't anybody who wants to be poor just for the purpose of being good. —Josh Billings

Anyone can become wealthy in America by inventing something useful that doesn't last long—like most home appliances.

WELL-ADJUSTED PEOPLE

A well-adjusted person is one who can play golf and bridge as if they were games.

WHEN ...

When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder. —James H. Boren

WICKED

The wicked flee when no man pursueth, but they flee even faster when someone is after them.

WILL

Where there's a will there are relatives.

WINE

Wine hath drowned more men than the sea. —Thomas Fuller

WINNERS

It's easy to spot winners—they're the ones not complaining about the rules.

WISDOM

The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom. —H. L. Mencken

Not all things have to be scrutinized nor all friends tested nor all enemies exposed and denounced.

Nine-tenths of wisdom is being wise in time. —Theodore Roosevelt

A wise man sees as much as he ought, not as much as he can. —Michel de Montaigne

A wise man's question contains half the answer.

Fools live to regret their words, wise men to regret their silences. —Will Henry

WISECRACKING

Wit has truth in it; wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words. —Dorothy Parker

WISHES

Wishes won't do dishes.

If wishes were horses, beggars might ride. —John Ray

WIT

Impropriety is the soul of wit. —W. Somerset Maugham

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions. No dignity, no learning, no force of character can make any stand against good wit. —Ralph Waldo Emerson

Wit is the salt of conversation, not the food. —William Hazlitt

WIVES

She would have made a splendid wife, for crying only made her eyes more bright and tender. —O. Henry

Any man who can't stand his wife lecturing to him might find it a little easier to take sitting down. —Irvin S. Cobb

Every man needs a wife because he can't blame everything on the government.

WOLVES

Many a father spends part of his time keeping the wolf from his door and the rest of the time keeping the wolf from his daughter.

It is useless for the sheep to pass resolutions in favor of vegetarianism while the wolf remains of a different opinion. —William Ralph Inge

WOMAN'S INTUITION

What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing more than man's transparency. —George Jean Nathan

WOMEN

Woman begins by resisting a man's advances and ends by blocking his retreat. —Oscar Wilde

Not ten yoke of oxen have the power to draw us like a woman's hair! —Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

On one issue at least, men and women agree: They both distrust women. —H. L. Mencken

I hate women because they always know where things are. —James Thurber

When a man boasts that he understands women, you can be sure that some woman has been flattering him.

Women don't dress to please men; if they did, they would dress a lot faster.

After equality, wage parity, liberation of body and soul, and the extension for the ratification of the ERA, women still can't do the following:

WOODPECKERS

Even the woodpecker owes his success to the fact that he uses his head and keeps pecking away until he finishes the job he starts. —Coleman Cox

WORDS

Keep your words soft and sweet—you never know when you might have to eat them.

He can compress the most words into the smallest ideas of any man I ever met. —Abraham Lincoln

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them. —Adlai Stevenson

As long as words are in your mouth, you are their lord; once you utter them, you are their slave. —Solomon Ibn Gabirol

The bitterest words are those we are forced to eat.

The longest word in the English language is the one following the phrase "And now a word from our sponsor."

—Phillips' Treasury of Humorous Quotations