ABNORMAL

An abnormal person is anyone who behaves differently from you.

ABORTION

Isn't it funny how everyone in favor of abortion has already been born? —Patrick Murray

ABSENTMINDEDNESS

No man knows what absentmindedness really is until he finds himself dialing his own telephone number.

ABSURDITY

You never know how absurd your own opinion is until you hear somebody else quoting it.

There is no opinion so absurd but that some philosopher will express it. —Cicero

ACCIDENTS

What is better than presence of mind in a railway accident? Absence of body.

If most auto accidents happen within five miles of home, why don't we move ten miles away? —Michael Davis

There would be far fewer accidents if we could only teach telephone poles to be more careful.

Most accidents happen at home—maybe we ought to move.

ACCORDIONS

Accordion: an instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin. —Ambrose Bierce

ACCOUNTANTS

Old accountants never die; they just lose their balance.

ACTING

The most important thing in acting is honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made. —George Burns

ACTION

A man can do more than he thinks he can, but he usually does less than he thinks he does.

The finest eloquence is that which gets things done. —David Lloyd George

Footprints on the sands of time are not made by sitting down.

As I grow older, I pay less attention to what men say. I just watch what they do. —Andrew Carnegie

ACTIONS

Actions speak louder than words—but not so often.

Actions speak louder than words, and they tell fewer lies.

ACTIVITY

Activity is contagious. —Ralph Waldo Emerson

ACTORS

Never turn your back on an actor; remember, it was an actor who shot Lincoln.

An actor is a man with an infinite capacity for taking praise.

I deny I ever said that actors are cattle. What I said was, "Actors should be treated like cattle." —Alfred Hitchcock

You can pick out the actors by the glazed look that comes into their eyes when the conversation wanders away from themselves. —Michael Wilding

ACTRESSES

The girl who has half a mind to become an actress doesn't realize that's all it requires.

ADAM

Adam was the only man who, when he said a good thing, knew that nobody had said it before him. —Mark Twain

ADAM'S RIB

Adam's rib: the original bone of contention. —Oliver Herford and John Clay

ADOLESCENCE

God's way of making separation with children easier was to invent adolescence. —Mark Patinkin

An adolescent is a teenager who acts like a baby when you don't treat him like an adult.

ADVERSARIES

The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane. —Mark Twain

ADVERSITY

By trying, we can easily learn to reduce adversity— another man's, I mean. —Mark Twain

Adversity introduces a man to himself.

Adversity makes men wise but not rich. —John Ray

ADVERTISING

The codfish lays ten thousand eggs,

The homely hen lays one.

The codfish never cackles

To tell you what she's done.

And so we scorn the codfish,

While the humble hen we prize,

Which only goes to show you

That it pays to advertise.

ADVICE

Among the many remedies that won't cure a cold, the most common is advice.

The easiest way to escape being hated is to mind your own business and refrain from giving good advice. —W. Burton Baldry

We hate to have some people give us advice because we know how badly they need it themselves.

We always admire the intelligence of those who ask us for advice.

The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about.

Advice is seldom welcome, and those who need it the most like it the least. —Lord Chesterfield

If at first you don't succeed, you'll find everyone giving you advice.

Healthy people have one thing in common: They always give advice to the sick.

When a man seeks your advice, he generally wants your praise. —Lord Chesterfield

When a man comes to me for advice, I find out the kind of advice he wants, and I give it to him. —Josh Billings

How is it possible to expect mankind to take advice when they will not so much as take warning? —Jonathan Swift

Advice is like castor oil, easy enough to give but dreadful uneasy to take. —Josh Billings

If you want people to notice your faults, start giving advice. —Kelly Stephens

Never trust the advice of a man in difficulties. —Aesop

If you want to get rid of somebody, just tell 'em something for their own good. —Frank McKinney Hubbard

AESOP'S FOX

Like Aesop's fox, when he had lost his tail, he would have all his fellow foxes cut off theirs. —Robert Burton

AFFLICTIONS

If afflictions refine some, they consume others. —John Ray

AFTER-DINNER SPEECHES

An after-dinner speech should be like a lady's dress: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to be interesting.

AGE

I think age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Age is so deceiving. It is amazing how much faster sixty comes after fifty compared to fifty after forty!

When you're over the hill, you pick up speed.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. —Satchel Paige

I've reached that age when a good day is one when you get up and nothing hurts. —H. Martin

The years that a woman subtracts from her age are not lost. They are added to the ages of other women. —Diane de Poitiers

I refuse to admit that I am more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate. —Nancy Astor

Age is like love—it cannot be hid. —Thomas Dekker

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough. —Groucho Marx

AGING

The only good thing about [aging] is you're not dead. —Lillian Hellman

The reason mature men look younger than mature women is that a woman of forty is usually fifty.

AGNOSTICS

An agnostic is an irreligious person who stays away from church religiously.

AGREEMENT

Ah, don't say that you agree with me. When people agree with me, I always feel that I must be wrong. —Oscar Wilde

AILMENTS

We are so fond of each other because our ailments are the same. —Jonathan Swift

ALARM CLOCKS

An alarm clock goes off by going on.

An alarm clock is built with a mechanism to scare the daylights into you.

ALGEBRA

Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra. —Fran Lebowitz

ALLOWANCES

One of the first things a child learns at school is that some other child is getting a bigger allowance.

ALONE

In Genesis it says that it is not good for a man to be alone, but sometimes it is a great relief. —John Barrymore

AMERICA

America is where a young man can start at the bottom and work his way into a hole. —Wall Street Journal

AMERICANS

An American is a man who is proud of his right to say what he pleases and often wishes he had the courage to do so.

[An Englishman is] a person who does things because they have been done before. [An American is] a person who does things because they haven't been done before. —Mark Twain

Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it. —Henny Youngman

ANALYSTS

My analyst doesn't understand me. —Mel Calman

ANCESTORS

We pay for the mistakes of our ancestors, and it seems only fair that they should leave us the money to pay with. —Don Marquis

ANGELS

Man was created a little lower than the angels and has been getting a little lower ever since. —Josh Billings

ANGER

Anger makes dull men witty, but it keeps them poor. —Francis Bacon

Anger begins with madness and ends in regret.

When a man is wrong and won't admit it, he always gets angry. —Thomas Haliburton

The best way to know a man is to watch him when he is angry.—Hebrew proverb

When angry, take a lesson from modern science: Always count down before blasting off.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. —Phyllis Diller

A man's as big as the things that make him mad.

ANIMALS

Animals have these advantages over man: They have no theologians to instruct them, their funerals cost them nothing, and no one starts lawsuits over their wills. —Voltaire

Animals are such agreeable friends—they ask no questions, they pass no criticisms. —George Elliot

ANNOYANCES

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. —Fred Allen

You do not swear at your serious troubles. One only swears at trifling annoyances. —G. F. Turner

Don't get annoyed if your neighbor plays his stereo at two o'clock in the morning. Call him at four, and tell him how much you enjoyed it.

ANSWERS

He's been that way for years—a born questioner but he hates answers. —Ring Lardner

ANTAGONISTS

He who wrestles with us strengthens our nerves and sharpens our skill. Our antagonist is our helper. —Edmund Burke

ANTICIPATION

If pleasures are greatest in anticipation, remember that this is also true of trouble. —Elbert Hubbard

ANTS

Which came first—the ant or the picnic?

APARTMENTS

The trouble with modern apartments is that the walls are too thin when you try to sleep and too thick when you try to listen.

APPEASERS

An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile—hoping it will eat him last. —Sir Winston Churchill

APPENDIXES

If you still have your appendix at middle age, you're probably a surgeon.

It's not true that the appendix is useless; it has put thousands of surgeon's wives in fine furs.

APPLAUSE

My advice to you concerning applause is this: Enjoy it but never quite believe it. —Robert Montgomery

Applause at the beginning of a speech shows the audience has faith; in the middle, it shows their hope; and at the end, their charity.

AQUARIUMS

There is something about a home aquarium that sets my teeth on edge the moment I see it. Why anyone should want to live with a small container of stagnant water populated by a half-dead guppy is beyond me. —S.J. Perelman

ARCHITECTS

The architect makes an old house look better just by talking about the cost of a new one.

ARGUMENTS

There's only one thing worse than the man who will argue over anything, and that's the man who will argue over nothing.

You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue—agree with him. —Ed Howe

There are two sides to every argument, and they're usually married to each other.

When you win an argument with your wife, the argument is not over.

I am bound to furnish my antagonists with arguments, but not with comprehension. —Benjamin Disraeli

They are yet but ear-kissing arguments. —William Shakespeare